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A Martian's View on Earthlings

by Mariam Rafique on 20th September, 2012 at 9:29 PM CEST

Sometimes you’re just blank - tongue tied - at a loss of words. You want to do complete justice to your feelings, but your choice of vocabulary will always be inadequate. That’s how I feel about them. It’s like I am in an ecstatic bubble when I meet them afresh, but then it always bursts at the end. I am either disappointed or unhappy or simply asking myself, ‘gracious, this is what they are?’

I tried really hard to be polite, but I need to say this: they are un-understandable! They are good but bad - happy but mostly sad - and simple but really complicated too. If I were to choose one word to describe these humans I’ve spent my last few years living with and observing on their living abode, earth, I’d just use one word and nothing other than that to summarize my opinion of them: EARTHLING!

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Are you rolling your eyes and raising your eyebrows on me? Did you think it was a no-brainer? See, there you are, judgmental already! Let me explain first:

They are E: environmentalists. Like there are adventurists who love adventure, these earthlings are environmentalists who love the environment. But can an adventurist be excited by adventures if he doesn’t experience them? Exactly so with these people! They need to use the environment to appreciate it! Hence, they cut trees, waste oil, collect garbage, emit smoke, pollute water and so forth to understand the utility of environment.

They are A: action-oriented. Except that’s how they really read the word: two words separately as action and oriented! Half of them are ‘oriented’ towards talking about what the problems are without bringing any solutions to the table. The other half is doing ‘actions’ without really having any orientation! So when Iraq was bombed for example, one group was part of the action while the other half was in isolation discussing if this was really needed – no one did an action that was actually needed to solve the problem!

They are R: revolutionists. They’ve discovered how to send man to the moon! And have evolved from wearing leaves to people living on high-end fashion brands. And they over threw the Arab capitalists. And they’ve discovered nuclear bombs, suicide schemes and unimaginable ways of new crimes. 

They are T: technical: they have developed the social media and moved on online shopping. Walk into a restaurant and you’ll see everyone sunk low on seats busy with their phones – wonder why they’ve come out in the first place. Or log onto Facebook and see how it’s become their ecosystem: status updates on what they ate, when they slept, where they went, whom they met. Definitely technical.

They are H: honest: They are completely, downright transparent and honest. Look at how fair their democracy is, or how open their politicians are with their nations, or how their multinationals are. These people on earth are definitely honest. It must be the dictionary’s flaw only, explaining the meaning of honest incorrectly.   

They are L: loving: so what if it’s conditional right?

They are I: interested: interested in gossips of celebrities they’ll never meet or interact with. Interested in knowing about their neighbor’s love life, like they were going to move in as family to their own house next week. Interested in knowing secrets about other countries’ defense systems and monetary policies. You get the point.

They are N: nice: to everyone, everywhere and at every time. They don’t pass comments when a man of another race enters their area. Or they don’t push away poor people. They don’t discriminate on the way people dress or on their professions. And I hope you didn’t take the hint of sarcasm in my tone at all.

They are G: givers. And it’s okay to give to rich people so that they become richer and not to have fair distribution of resources in the world, right? As long as it’s giving, that should matter – yes?

I pre-warned you about what I felt about them. My views are bound to be different after all, because I am not one of you. And perhaps I am wrong about you. Tell me, as an Earthling, what other adjective would you use to describe yourself?  

Take Care,

Marty, from Mars.

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Dharmesh Bhadja

Dharmesh Bhadja | Action team

Great Satire, Marty. I like your article too much.

Thanks for such a innovative Marian's view.

21st September, 2012 @ 2:06 PM CEST

Stefan Alievikj

Stefan Alievikj | C:F staff

Marty from Mars, I love your article!

I would say that they "pay attention" (they have some cool music though, we listen to it here all over the Andromeda Galaxy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =lstDdzedgcE); and they are UNSUSTAINABLE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v =EF_xdvn52As).

Kisses from Andromeda Galaxy all the way to the Milky Way and its tiny dot - the Solar System.

21st September, 2012 @ 2:39 PM CEST

Ana Mihajloska

Ana Mihajloska | Action team

I would add they are W: Welcoming. They will bid you welcome and then look at you strangely if you appear to differ from them and give whispering remarks among themselves.

24th September, 2012 @ 10:31 PM CEST

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